


Perhaps Love?

by SapphireThePansexual (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Cheating, Gay, I mean I’ll try, Love, Might be good, Multi, Slow Burn, gay bois, my gay burning piece of garbage that I love, past relationship, poor Hammy boy, probably trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:34:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28763409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/SapphireThePansexual
Summary: Hey what’s up? So I’m trying to write something, wowI will take any criticism gladly, I’m always looking for ways to improve.Alexander Hamilton was living a numb life, in a numb world, among numb people. Everything was numb. Until she came. Eliza, the light of his world. She was gone as fast as she came. And as quickly as she had left, the numbness had returned, and it had come to stay.Enter the asshole. Ahem, I mean, Thomas Jefferson.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler (past), Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, Charles Lee/George Washington (Somewhat implied)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Perhaps Love?

**Author's Note:**

> I literally hate this, lmaoooo.  
> I’m not gonna finish it cuz like I said, I HATE ITTTT  
> if anyone wants, y’all can take my story. No fucks given here

_ Chapter 1 _

I had decided very early in life that romance wasn’t for me. I was a very intelligent and perceptive child. I knew when something was wrong, when something was not for me to experience. Every day, you can see couples frolicking through the park, laughing and giving each other small kisses as they feed each other strawberries and exchange lovely little conversations. And I realized the reality of having that kind of relationship, well, it made me want to puke out the contents of my stomach. I’ve always viewed love as something that can come and go, that falling in love is simple. You find one person, and attach yourself to them for the rest of your life, or simply move on and find another human to attach to. In reality, I know it’s not simple at all. After all, love is beautiful and mysterious, both complex and simple in itself, and a concept that any human can grasp and experience. Except, it seems, me. 

If people knew who I was, they’d know me as Alexander Hamilton, the one and only. But they don’t know who I am at all. I like to think that I fade into the background as people carry on with their lives, not noticing I exist. It’s much better than having people aware that I’m a failure, and knowing if anything is asked of me, I’ll probably disappoint them no matter what I do. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m numb to all of it. Everything is numb and I can’t feel anything.

It’s been this way ever since  _ her.  _ It’s like a game of “ _ how much can I break this loser’s emotions?”  _ with me being the only player. She didn’t bring this numbness upon me, though. It was always there. Sure, before her I could actually feel insignificant things like happiness or anger. But there was always something underneath those emotions, something poking and prodding at my mind for me to  _ give up  _ because  _ it’s not worth it.  _ And these thoughts whispered in my head with a growing intensity until it was  _ screaming  _ in my head repeatedly,  _ give up, lose all hope, it’s not worth it, give up, give up,  _ **_give up!_ **

And I met her, the one who changed my life. I actually met her in a coffee shop, as simple as it is. How can one person so interesting and happy and sympathetic exist just to be met at an insignificant cafe? 

The bell rang abruptly as someone new entered the shop. I didn’t even glance up from my work.  _ “Just another person among hundreds of people you’ll meet then never think of again.” _ I had told myself. I continued typing on my shabby computer, made by a knock-off company called  _ Orange.  _ It’s all I could afford, though. 

I worked as an intern for a law firm called, “ _ Washington and Lee’s.”  _ Washington was the founder of the establishment, and personally one human I actually enjoyed the company of. He was quite a jolly man, always bouncing around on the balls of his feet, and giving you a grin as you walked by. He was also quite intelligent, and I was able to have great discussions with him. The other name in the company was Lee. I remember asking Mr. Washington about it at one point in time, only to be met with a despairing look. “He was a good friend of mine, a good man.” he had mumbled dejectedly. I noticed the keyword  _ was.  _ I had a suspicion it was a deceased friend, or even a deceased lover, but I never questioned it further. Seeing that look on his face, of complete and utter sorrow, it was an expression I never wanted to see again on that usually cheerful man. 

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” a feminine voice interrupted my thoughts.  _ Oh my god,  _ **_fuck_ ** _ off… what is this bitch saying? _

“Yes?” I questioned, having not clearly heard her. 

“I said, is this seat taken?” she asked again, politely.  _ Ughhhhh... _

“Oh, uh, no!” I grinned at her in an purposely extremely awkward manner. She seemed to be slightly put off, but she still sat down to my chagrin. 

“What is your name, sir?” she smiled at me brightly.  _ She’s still here. Goddammit…  _

“Alexander. Alexander Hamilton, ma’am. And yours?” I smiled too wide. She still didn’t leave.  _ If she is going to bother me I might as well exchange conversation. _

“That’s a nice name, I’m Eliza Schuyler. What brings you to a cafe at 1:00 in the morning?” she asked, settling into her seat with a frappe in one hand and a handbag in another. 

_ Hmmm…  _

She was a beautiful woman, now that I was paying attention. She had silky smooth hair, a soft brown color, flowing like chocolate down her shoulders. She had soft, intelligent blue eyes, studying me as if she were trying to pick me apart, figure me out. She had a slim figure, not where it’s unhealthy, and she is lean and graceful. She was slightly taller than average, she looked to be about 5’10 or so. She was wearing a pink sweater that was a little big for her, her hands were just barely peeking through the sleeves. 

“Oh, uh, just some work stuff.” I smiled at her. 

**_At that time, I hadn’t even considered romance with her, much less_** **_the strange friendship that blossomed at that cafe at 1:00 in the morning. She was such a kind soul._**

“Hey Liz!” I grinned as I strolled into the movie theater. I had finally convinced her to see a scary movie with me. The only reason being so I could tease her about it afterward.  _ I’m a great friend. _

“Hey Lexi, wassup?” she waved me over. I strolled towards her leisurely, at a pace where she could see I was obviously doing it on purpose.  _ Haha, imma slow bitch. _

“It’s all good. How ‘bout you?” I came to a stop in front of her, giving her a weird friend hug then walking to the snack lines.  _ Buy the snacks? I AM THE SNACC. _

“Great. You’re paying for the snacks, by the way, since you dragged me into here.” she told me in an aggravated voice, but with a playful undertone.

“But I’m a broke college kid, you should know I can’t afford it. I barely make enough for tuition and food being an intern, I sure can’t afford snacks.” I tilted my head at her condescendingly as we moved up through the line. 

“I’m also a broke college student!” she cried out, laughing.  _ Broke losers. Except she’s not a loser, I am, I’m worthless.  _ **_Shut up, inner monologue._ **

“Alright,” I grabbed out 10 bucks, “split the difference.” I grinned as she grabbed out her money. 

“Fine. Here ya go, you cheapskate.”  _ exCUSE ME? _

“Hey! Look who’s talking.” they were both laughing as they walked up to the counter.

“I want some hersheys, a medium coke, and a large popcorn.” I gasped offendedly at her, giving her an outraged and playful look.

“Oh! And a large icee.” she added.

“What flavor?” the worker looked at her with a deadness in her eyes.

“Cherry!” I bursted. Eliza gave me a dirty look before turning back to the worker slowly. 

“Yeah, cherry please.” the worker grabbed our stuff and handed it to us. We grabbed our stuff by the armful and started walking, actually, more like waddled to our theater. We almost dropped our stuff several times, but managed to get to our seats having lost only like 1/5 of our popcorn.

“Alrighty, then. All nice and settled in.” she squirmed into her seat next to me.

“I’m ready to listen to you screaming every time something happens.” I grinned at her. She gasped offendedly.

“How dare thee?” she exclaimed in mock offense. “The highest offense! Never have I heard such disregard! Such disrespect!” she laughed brightly.

“My middle name is disrespect.” I laughed along with her, reaching over and grabbing some popcorn. The movie began not too long after that, and the odd pair quickly shut up, focusing their short attention span on the movie. It was all going well, they continued to eat snacks- even though Eliza ate all the chocolate- and gulp down their drinks, until…

“Bang!” the movie screen flashed as something popped out from the darkness.

“Crap!” Eliza yelped, and hid her face in my neck. I felt a blush begin to engulf my features as the brunette nuzzled into my neck. I gingerly peeled her off me.  _ Oh HELLL nahhhh- _

“You ok?” I asked quietly as to not disturb the people around me. 

“Yeah, sorry, just got a bit scared.” we stared at each other for a few more moments, unconsciously leaning forward until I could feel her warm breath on my face, smelling of lavender and strawberries. I looked into her eyes, the pools of warmth gazing back at me, and-

“Aughhh!” a scream interrupted the silence.

“SHIT!” we lept apart in embarrassment and sat back in our seats.

**_The theater was a funny situation, perfectly awkward and fluffy at the same time. It was those types of moments that I missed._ **

“Woot woot! End of college, baby!” I cheered as I pushed through the apartment door. I had moved in with Eliza a few weeks ago as we started dating.  _ HOME SWEET HOME WOOO! _

“Liz! I’m home!” I heard running footsteps before I felt a blurry ball of mass crash into me. It would only be Eliza, unless someone broke into our apartment. Then again, why would they be hugging me?

“Oof!” I grunted.

“Yay! How was graduation, ya big bitch?” she smiled down at me.  _ HOW DARE. _ I groaned loudly as she tightened her arms around me. 

“Liz, I need to breathe… augh.” she pulled off of me before giving me a peck on the lips and sitting up on her knees.

“Sorry…” she smiled sheepishly. She was such a ball of energy, I’m happy I’m living with her. She’s a year older than me so she graduated last year, before I met her around 9 months ago. Our relationship right now was pretty good. I started dating her 3 months ago, and we’re really happy. I feel bad, though, because I’ve been busy with college and preparing for finals, and I’ve had to work as well, so I don’t get much time to spend with her. She’s still happy with me, though, that’s all I can ask.

“It was good! It was kinda sad to say goodbye to some people, but the majority…” I trailed off, shrugging. “Good riddance.” I chuckled and stood up, held my hand out to her.

“How was the day without me?” I asked, pulling her up next to me. She kissed me on the cheek then grabbed by hand, leading me to the kitchen.

“I baked a lot of desserts for celebration!” We walked around the corner, and saw the table filled up with plates and plates of different desserts. Fresh croissants, I could see hot wavers coming from it, a rainbow of colors of macaroons, savory chocolate chip cookies, strawberry cheesecake, sweet cinnamon rolls, and last but not least, crème brûlée.  _ HOLEEE SHITTT SNACKS! _

“My god, that’s a lot! Holy crap honey, this looks amazing!” I hugged her, excited by the sweets. 

**_She knew my absolute favorite thing in the world is sweets, and how I never eat them because, well, obviously I’m broke, and I don’t want to get unhealthy. So she would make me desserts like this every once in a while. She was an amazing girlfriend. Maybe I could’ve done better, maybe she wouldn’t’ve left me. I knew, I know it wasn’t my fault, but isn’t it?_ **

“Hey! No, no no no no! Don’t leave!” I stumbled forward, grabbing her wrist loosely. “You can’t do this to me and then just leave! I- no! You can’t, you have to stay, you have to stay-” I rambled on desperately, until a slap echoed through the house. A hot pain throbbed on my cheek and I pulled my hand back.  _ Did she…?  _

“You don’t control me! I can leave if I want, ok? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have slapped you- but I’m leaving you! Ok, I cheated on you because I was done but I didn’t want to be mean, I wanted to let you down easy!” she spoke sweetly, soothing me a little bit even in a situation like this. Sweet like honey, but sickly sweet. Like there was poison underneath, where I couldn’t see it, but it was there, permeating my senses and putting me to sleep.  _ What is this feeling? Oh, that’s right, SADNESS. hello darkness my old friend…  _

“You can’t, you can’t leave, what did I- what did I do?” I cried out in sorrow. Tears filled up my eyes, thick and blurry, and started their trail down my cheeks. She glared at me, looking me up and down in something akin to distaste. I felt my hands come together and start fidgeting, twisting and untwisting in panic and stress.  _ Stop fidgeting, you mess! _

“You never gave me enough time! Sure, you graduated college recently, but I mean you still don’t! You’re always out, trying to find jobs, or with your friends, or working at that law firm, guh! I’m done!” she gave me a push to the chest, growling at me like I’m scum. She gave me one last glare before running through the doorway with her suitcase in hand and slamming the door behind her. And leaving me here. Shocked out of my mind.

“What?” I blinked slowly, untwisting my hands and hanging them at my sides.  _ I wasn’t good enough _ . I blinked again through more tears.  _ I wasn’t good enough and she’s left me. Oh god…  _

I ran my hands through my hair, stroking through the silky strands and pulling at the roots. I tugged harder, and tugged again, trying to feel something, anything at all other than complete despair and numbness.  _ It’s back. The numbness, she took it away and then she left, and it’s  _ **_back_ ** _.  _

  
  


**_So here I am, 2 weeks later, sitting in my office, burying myself in work. I know it isn’t healthy, I haven’t slept in about 3 days, but I survived it before, right? It’ll be fine. Anyway, today I am feeling the same I’ve felt for the past weeks. There really isn’t any feeling but I know I sit down and let my mind run endlessly, tears will come and it won’t be pretty. Imagine if one of my coworkers came in and saw that? They’d most certainly be shocked. Right after college, the firm offered an actual job for me, and I certainly did not decline. I’m working in the financing department now, it’s kind of interesting. Kind of. I get to run over the head of the department's paperwork and add input on anything I see fit. I’m his secretary, yay... I also have to do other little tasks, but not very often, seeing as all he wants me to do is look over his obviously half-assed shit- it’s great and all, but I do have to interact with this one guy, and it’s an absolute nightmare. His name is Thomas Jefferson, and he is the most pompous, arrogant, pretentious, grandiloquent piece of- he’s not likeable. He thinks he’s better than all the employees, even though he’s just a secretary. Back to my job, it’s somewhat important, and if I prove myself, maybe I can get a better position. It’s a job I can bury myself into, though, which is good. I get my own office, isn’t that great? Kinda. Ha._ **

**_Anyway, I’m logging out for now, -A.Ham_ **

**Author's Note:**

> And while we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice.
> 
> Talk less
> 
> Comment more
> 
> Please leave kudos for this author who you obviously adore
> 
> And please criticism while you’re at it. I’m always looking to improve my writing! Thanks!  
> Logging off for now, -Saph


End file.
